The Daily Routine of a Warden

I wake up when the sunlight shines on my face through the cross-shaped castle window.

I jump out of bed and don my tunic, chain mail, and plate armor decorated with special pendants and other various adornments that tend to serve no particular purpose. I like to think they make me a better fighter.

Then, of course, I immediately drop to the floor and perform 1000 pushups while reciting the Bible in Latin.

After dashing down the grand stairway into the Great Hall, I practice so many shoulder bashes on a stone pillar that it crumbles. I call for a steward and notify him to replace it at once. A large portion of my expenses go to refurnishing damaged infrastructure, but I just make my peasants work extra to cover the costs.

From there I head to the armory where my chained up, scantily clad Peacekeeper is polishing my various sets of armor for me. I give her a quick lashing of my whip. She whimpers a bit. I tell her "It’s okay, just keep polishing the helmet and Daddy will let you out soon." She whimpers again. It boosts my ego.

Into the courtyard, I practice my light attacks on standing dummies, some with obnoxiously long, braided, glued on beards and others made out of waifu pillows wearing Saiyan armor. My top lights are so fast, they don’t even see them coming. Once my flurry of hellfire attacks were completed, tufts of ginger hair and bits of cotton were floating about on the breeze. Ha. Showed them.

Upon leaving the courtyard, I hear a knock, knock, knock coming from outside the castle gates. A messenger, I presume. I open the gates to see a small man… or, uh… woman, standing before me with strange armor and a helmet with a praying mantis on it. They must like bugs. They proceed to hand me a scroll, which read “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”.

This angered me, understandably. Before I could formally reply, I realized they had already made quick efforts to vacate the vicinity. Luckily I had donned my cuirass of speedy feet on this day, and easily matched their stride. I responded to their message by shouting “DEUS VULT” as I delivered a guard break and charitably drop-kicked his her their ass so hard, they skid all the way to a mountain range in the far reaches of the Holy Land, then rightly fell off a cliff. Their shrieks echoed far and wide in the canyon below.

Happy to see justice served, I returned to the Grand Hall to find my companions Brahbringer and Conquerbro enjoying fine brandy. I joined them in in the merry occasion, and shared their laughter at length when the conversation turned to the topic of noobs turning their asses inside out in chat. Brahbringer then shuffled in our direction from the kitchen with a roasted ham on the end of his poleaxe. We feasted and laughed until the sun sank below the horizon.

A few hours later I ascend the grand stairs. With a full belly and a slight buzz, I light the candle inside the nightlight that shines rotating silhouettes of cartoonish knights on horseback across the stone walls of my bed chamber. I sigh happily as I slip into bed, and the subtle echos of my Peacekeeper’s whimpers then ferry me to the dream world.

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