Hello all you fantastic, glorious Guardians. How's your day going? Good? Great? Mine too.
My name is Clarke. I've been an addict for two and a half years now… for class items. And not just any class items. Cloaks. Hunter cloaks. And lots of them. Lots and lots and lots of them.
Oh my Traveler, they're amazing. They come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Long ones, short ones, bizarre ones, weird ones, crazy ones, beautiful ones… You can dress up your hunter for any occasion. The recent changes to shaders that change the colors of the cloaks add a whole new level of Guardian Dress Up that I never dreamed possible. Once gold cloaks could now be black, once blue ones could be white… Oh the possibilities to look fabulous! I've spent many hours in Orbit, twirling my hunter around with the joystick, gazing at his fabulous cloaks…
In Year One, while everyone was gathering planetary materials to upgrade gear, I was trying to find motes of light, a very scarce material, to get 25 to buy a new class item from the Speaker. Soon it was mine: "Strength of the Pack", one of the more noble hunter cloaks, I might add. Damn, did I look good strutting in my fancy cloak around the tower.
And then I did the Vault of Glass. Well, some of it. My internet boyfriend (before he kicked me out of the clan) took me to an "Exotic chest checkpoint". What's that? I had no idea. But I went along, and opened this chest. Two things dropped for me. A yellow gun called an Ice Breaker that I thought sucked because it couldn't pick up ammo and the zoom was too high. And something called the "Shattered Vault Cloak". While the rest of the fireteam was freaking out over my crappy "super rare" gun I got, I GOT A NEW CLOAK, BABY! Hot DAMN did I look good in this thing! This floor length beauty looked better than Katelyn Jenner in a prom dress. Oh yeah, look at me, I'm cute, look at me…
I'll admit it. I liked holding the relic during Vault of Glass. But not so much that the relic is fun, but because it's in 3rd person and I get to see my fantastic looking cloaks.
The Crota raid came out and I was able to look like a fly. Very spooky. Much spooks were had. This went well with a dark shader.
Then as I became better at the game, I started competing in the Iron Banner. Sure Felwinter's Lie with shot package was OP as hell, and Efrideet's Spear with Final Round was something to be feared. That was good and all. Except a class item was for sale, the Mantle of Gheleon! I had a beautiful tree on my back! It was gorgeous! I felt one with nature.
Then a DLC came out, The Taken King, or, as I like to call it, The Taken Away My Cloaks. Some genius over at Bungie clearly saw my wardrobe and was jealous, and decided to end it all. I'm sorry you're too busy making fun games, Mr. Bungie, but you didn't have to ruin my collection! You heathen!
They added stats.
They. Added. Stats.
What the hell.
Light levels. Intellect. Discipline. Strength. Vanguard & Crucible reputation. And is it Tier 12 capable? Gah! I don't want to get a fabulous looking cloak only for to feel the need to shard it because it has a shitty strength roll!
I had to wear this horrible maroon looking shit. This did not make me look fabulous. And I had to wear it to keep my light level up. Luckily, Mr. Bungie gave us this beauty called "Cloak of The Sixth Reign", a year one classic that I was never able to obtain. It looks fantastic. Some Guardians might even say perfect. Mine had Discipline/Strength; I didn't care. I infused it immediately into this wonderful cloak. While every Hunter in the Galaxy is wearing that ugly maroon grandma's rug for a cloak, I stood out. I looked great. I received many compliments from fellow sexy Guardians on my wardrobe choice. Thanks, boys.
Say what you want about The Division, it had its flaws, but at least I could be a badass in my Purple Puffy Jacket without it having an effect on the damage output of my Sticky Bomb.
It's better now. After almost two years, I have amassed a wonderful collection of cloaks, sorting through them, finding the ones with good stats and keeping them. I hope to bring them all to 400 soon. Thank you, Mr. Bungie, for bringing a lot of the Year 1 class items back. I look good now. But it's still tedious. It still bothers me when I want to show my love for the Queen in crucible, but I know I'm putting myself at a disadvantage because that cloak has a crappy dis/str roll and doesn't increase crucible reputation. So I usually have to tell the Sixth Reign sorry, you'll only be used in strikes or raids… and I cheat on her with the Mantle of Gheleon.
So Mr. Bungie, please, in Destiny 2, can you please remove stats from class items?? They're class items! They're my chance to look different from the thousands of other Guardians running around the Tower every day. I should be able to wear whatever I want without fear of putting my skills at a disadvantage.
Stay fabulous, Guardians. If a fantastic looking hunter rocking a pretty cloak with the Sparkepony shader voops you with Plan C in the crucible, give me a wave. Or a teabag. I prefer the latter.