It's raid night. You fire up your system and settle in for an evening of PVE goodness. What fun! One problem however: You don't have any friends to raid with….. Wait, did I say problem? I mean no problem at all! That's what DestinyLFG is for! However, this causes a new problem: The people…
Anybody who has spent any significant amount of time raiding knows what I'm talking about. This list will detail the most common archetypes of folks you'll encounter on your raid night. While this isn't every kind of person you'll meet, they sure are the majority…
1) The Smoker: A staple of any group, The Smoker is often given away by his raspy voice when he enters chat. By no means a poor player, he simply asks if he can go for a quick smoke… eleven times during a raid. The first time will be while the group is forming, then again after every encounter or every few wipes. Whichever happens first. More often than not, The Smoker will add at least 10 minutes to the duration of the raid on his own just by making people wait for him. Sadly, he is often the raid leader, meaning you have to wait or find a new group….
2) The Squeaker: The bane of any group. High on Mountain Dew and Doritos, this 11 year old menace is often avoided like the plague, but somehow by some eldritch magic they still end up in your group. They are loud, obnoxious, and an all around terrible player. While they insist they are decent, they are often the cause of chaos and confusion in the raid, unable to grasp basic elements of the fight, and will start showing off their mad rap skills when they die to adds. Expect to overhear an argument between them and their mother mid boss fight, resulting in them having to go to bed because it's a school night. Thankfully.
3) The Squeaker's Friend: Often in a one side symbiotic relationship with The Squeaker, this player is…. holy hell, they are pretty good. Despite being the same age and having the same high pitched voice as their friend, they speak only a fraction as much and are very competent. Often on their own they are mistaken for a Squeaker, and they develop skills and mannerisms to try and cope with this adversity. However, due to their foul mouthed friend always wanting to play with them, you will likely get these two as a set. The friend will never be able to fully pick up the slack on their tumor-esque companion, but they will at least ease the pain.
4) The Talker: Buckle your seatbelts, because you're about to get this guy's life story. The Talker is a very common player, who will do 70% of the talking during the raid. He will tell you stories about his last group. He will comment on his poor luck with chests. He will tell you how his wife cheated on him with his brother. You know. Normal stuff. Oftentimes The Talker is a streamer, and most of his chatter is from his streams benefit and not yours. They will tell you they are streaming every 5 minutes, in case you forget. While they are a strong player, their inability to shut up will always stop them from reaching their full potential.
5) The Girl: While not all female players fall into this category, it is the main prerequisite. This player is defined by their gender, and you will be constantly reminded of it every step of the way. They are almost always the girlfriend/wife of the raid leader, and have a stream that brings in tons of views. A subpar player, their male companion will somehow manage to pick up all her slack, allowing her more time to laugh at her silly plays. At one point, she will start laughing so hard she will be rendered unable to play at all. This is often because she got herself killed in some ridiculous manner. The best way to counter her is to have a normal female player in the group. They are like kryptonite to The Girl, and will shut her up quickly.
6) The PVP Guy: You have no idea how this guy got here, and neither does he…. This guy is a strong player, he just is sort of….. funny. His gear will all be either ornament Trials stuff, or some weird frankenstein mix of stuff with great PVP perks. Never gear from the raid. Nobody in the whole group will be able to throw grenades like this guy. He could pitch for the Yankees. His primary will be some god roll Eyasluna, and a shotgun in his special slot. He'll make it work…. kind of. Ultimately, you'll be happy to have him, even though he's a Striker and is punching Aksis in the face because his shotgun is empty.
7) The Parent: Often in their late 30's or early 40's, this player is here to unwind and blow off some steam. That said, they only have two hours, so they want to get this done. Even with this time limit, he is patient. Like, awkwardly patient. So patient they will put up with The Squeaker for a while. These players are about average in skill, their inability to commit as much time to the game as other groups holds them back a bit. They fit very well into any group, and will generally will carry their own very well. Just don't be surprised to hear a screaming child at some point, or an awkward conversation with a 3 year old about poop.
8) The Headset Killer: The instant this guy gets into chat your ears will bleed. His microphone will pick up everything, and the static will be overwhelming. More often than not, English will not be this guy's first language, and his cousin in the same room will be heard laughing and yelling in some weird moonspeak. He'll mute his mic at one point, once somebody yells at him, and he'll keep it off for awhile. Until he needs to talk that is. Then it's right back to the audio nightmare. Skill wise, he's passable, and will get the job done. He will scew up a few times however, leading him to turn his mic back on in order to explain himself, and causing the whole team to scream in agony when he does.
9) The Elitist: A dark, twisted version of The Talker, The Elitist is the death of fun and the devourer of joy. If you have one in your group, he is always the raid leader, as he only builds teams, and doesn’t join scrubs. He'll spend more time screening the group than actually raiding. Prepare to be micromanaged, have your every action judged, and watch member after member be kicked for petty reasons. Bad mic? Kick. No Gally? Kick. Silly Shader? Kick. The worst part? He's not really even that good. Above average for sure, but he'll often be the weakest member of the group, since he spent so much time surrounding himself with only people he thinks are good.
10) The Liar: He'll tell you he's done the raid before. He'll tell you he knows the challenge. He'll tell you his normal group does things different. He'll tell you he just wasn’t paying attention when he causes a wipe. He's lying. This guy will lie his way into your group and pray to whatever god will listen that he won't get found out and kicked. He'll be frantically watching a video on the fight as you are doing it, trying to make it seem like he knows what's up. He doesn’t know what's up, not one bit. A wildcard unlike any other, this players skill is impossible to measure because he doesn’t have the first idea what he's doing. Too proud to ask for help, he is doomed to drag your group down, and will be the cause of more wipes than the rest of the group combined.
Any I missed? Ring out in the comments and let's hear what other kinds of people you raid with.