After a long week of suffering through the raid, it's finally Friday. Time for Trials! You open up DestinyLFG again, because you're clearly a masochist who doesn’t learn from their mistakes, and start looking for some people to run with. Awesome.
This list is far from everybody you'll encounter, but does cover the main archetypes you'll likely meet. While it is mainly directed at Trials, you'll likely find the same people if you tried building a group for Iron Banner as well. So look forward to that.
1) The Hero: Blessed by the God's of gaming, this prince among men is in the top 1% of the top 1%. An architect of murder, this guy is the real deal and goes to the Lighthouse so much his name might as well be on the lease. He is kind, gentle and talented. Armed with a perfect mic, a scuff controller, and an attitude that could make the rain go away, this guy can single handedly fight and win against three average players on his own. Many players think they are him, but they always come up short to truly matching his majesty. Oh, wait a minute. You think he's on your team? Oh god no. He's on the enemy team. Good luck with that.
2) The Professional: This guy has made getting to the Lighthouse a science. He'll carry you there too! For a price. Maybe he's a streamer doing it to secure views. Maybe he's getting paid for his services. Maybe he's just trying to show off. Regardless of why he's running with you, this guy is skilled. But be warned, this player has a short fuse. Any setbacks will offset his efficiency in running, and will cost him money or viewers. If they have to reset a card early, they will turn into creature of pure salt and rage. Watching them lose their mind on stream is kinda funny though, so there's that.
3) The Squeaker: Wait. What? Holy fuck, it's the same kid from the raid! That's right. He just finished fucking your mother and he's back for some PVP! Well you better get ready to strap this prepubescent little demon to your back and hope you didn’t skip leg day because you're gonna be carrying some real weight. If you thought he was bad in the raid, prepare for some real torment. He'll swear he should have won that trade, whine when he get's outplayed, and beg and cry for you not to kick him. If by some miracle he does make a decent play, he's gonna tell you about it. A lot. It's going into his sick montage video. Worst part about this? Since it's the weekend, his bedtime is now super flexible. Great.
4) The Casual: This guy is only here to have some fun and do some bounties. While not the strongest player, he doesn’t let that slow him down one bit. He just wants to have a good time and play some Destiny. I mean it's just a game right? After a long week at work, he just wants to kick back and meet some new people and enjoy some PVP. His optimism and carefree attitude will make most hardcore PVP players want to vomit. "He'll never get to the Lighthouse!" they will say. But you know what? This glorious bastard doesn’t care. He just wants to have fun. If you ever meet this sweet summer child, protect him. He is too pure for this world.
5) The ELO Addict: Like his PVE cousin The Elitist, this player is a perfectionist who is sustained purely on victory. He'll spam the same message over and over, asking for people with a 1.7 KD or better for hours, trying to build the ultimate group. If you do end up in a group with him, he's doing you a favor. Or so he thinks at least. He's a highly skilled player, but his poor attitude will always hold him back from greatness, as he never quite got the memo there is no "I" in "Team". Often they will play a 9-0 card over and over, trying to feed their insatiable need to be the best. Just remember, if you guys lose, it's always your fault. Never his.
6) The Sleeping Legend: When you looked this guy up, he had decent stats. Above average win rate and a pretty good K/D. So why does he suck so much? He keeps dying like the first guy out of the boat on Omaha Beach. Is it rust? Is he tired or something? You feel bad, because he seems like a nice guy, but you might have to kick him. Then, when you guys are down 4-0, he awakens. This guy goes Super Saiyan, and starts ripping through the enemy team like they're tissue paper. He starts going 1v3 and is pushing them back while you scrape your jaw off the floor. You end up winning the game, unsure what you've just witnessed. Next game starts: He sucks again. What the hell.
7) The Mute: When he joined the chat he said something… You think. Game after game he doesn’t speak a word. No callouts. No updates. Nothing. He's doing fine though, getting kills and you're winning. So what's the problem? At one point you'll ask him a direct question. You're not sure if his reply was a grunt or a snort. Whatever. He's good, so that's enough. His lack of communication skills are really his only weakness, but he's a good listener at least. When all is said and done and you're saying your goodbyes, this guy will pipe up and say with a crystal clear mic and a voice like Morgan Freeman "Thanks for the group guys, it was fun. We should do it again sometime." Then sign off.
8) The Wasted Guy: This guy is here to have a fun time, and the party already started. Be it drugs or alcohol, this player is going to drink/smoke to his hearts content, making the most of the evening. In between rounds, expect to hear the sounds of cans opening, or bong rips. He'll start off not to bad, but as time goes on he starts to become more and more a zombie. By the time you're near the end of the card, any skill he had will be long since past. He's likely start rambling, complaining about how the enemy seems to be moving faster than he can react. Once you've been eliminated, he's always send you a friend request, saying you were a chill dude.
9) The Bromance: Despite being two people, these guys might as well be attached at the hip. You're unsure if they're best friends or lovers, and they really blur the line. They'll only call each other by their first names, and will be having some side conversation the whole time about stuff at school. Something about a girl. They play very well together, and honestly the three of you might make it to the Lighthouse the way things are going. Until one of them screws up. Suddenly, they turn on you, claiming you messed up. Their perfect union is infallible, so you must be the problem. Assuming they don't kick you on the spot, things will be tense now, as they will start texting each other back and forth about how terrible you are. Once they start talking aloud instead of texting, the boot will come.
10) The One Trick Pony: This guy is a master of his craft. Maybe he's a true Shotgun Warrior, or maybe the most on point Sniper alive. He could be amazing with his grenades, and can wombo somebody around a corner every time. Take away that one skill however, and he's bad. Real bad. This guy has spent so much time and effort working on that one skill, he's neglected the others, making him only able to really function and fight in one way. Depending on the map, he might not be able to play at all and will turn into pure baggage. He won't even understand the problem, and will talk about how last week he was carrying every game. His ego will tune out any criticism to the problem, and he'll continue on trying and failing.
Think I missed any? Check my raid top 10 and see if they are there. Let's hear some others I might have missed in the comments.