Here y’all go. Crappy fanfic encouraged by u/Dread_Stigmatist and u/heykooolaid.
The woman sitting in the corner of the inn was being given a wide berth by the other patrons – not out of fear or revulsion, but out of respect. Respect and the tame Watcher than was curled up at her feet. That part tended to keep them at bay more than her desire to be left alone. She was the Anointed one, the Sun God’s chosen savior of the world, and whatever else the other tribes labeled her. Everyone wanted something from her. She’d gone from being completely shunned to being completely wanted.
Mostly, though, she was tired and hungry and just wanted to eat and then turn in for the night. She’d foregone Avad’s offer of free room and board because the courtesans at the palace grated on her more than anything. She’d have taken Sylens’ snide remarks over their condescension any day. She wasn’t about to take advantage of her position, her status in the world, but if she heard one more side remark about the Nora girl, the barbarian, who just happened to save the kingdom and the world despite being a barbarian, she was going to call a whole herd of Thunderjaws down on the lot of them.
“Gentleman, I’m sorry, I can’t have you in here.”
The bartender’s voice was just slightly panicked. The rattle of armor was followed by a familiar guffaw and familiar slick, if slurred, tenor. “Oh, it’s fine, we know Aloy. I helped her clear the kingdom of all the bandits plaguing you.”
“We fought in the Great Battle with her. I’m Captain of the Vanguard – you can’t ban me from anywhere.”
There was hemming and hawing from the bartender, and Aloy didn’t look up. The two were arguing loudly as they were apparently allowed in after using their acquaintance with her as an excuse, and she idly wondered how many inns they’d been kicked out of for drunken … shenanigans, as Nil had put it. It was some time after their banter had died down to conspiratorial whispers that the smell of alcohol wafted over her and then Nil sat heavily by her side, leaning in with a leering smirk and draping his arm over her shoulders. The Watcher knew him, so of course it let him near her. She needed to learn how to program it.
She let out a brief sigh. “Yes, Nil.”
“Aloy. You’re … you’re a … amazing.” He swayed into her, chortling. “I just … you saved the worl. You’re my hero.”
“What do you want, Nil? You’re being … creepier … than normal.”
His laugh rang out and was echoed by Erend’s, and he squeezed her shoulder as he composed himself. “I just .. just … wow. You – do you know what would be amazing?”Whatever it was, it amused him enough that he leaned forward and banged his forehead against the table in gentle, rhythmic thumps as his laughter smothered into drunken giggles.
“I just … we should …” He was shaking, turning red with laughter, and sat up to take her face in both hands and touched their foreheads together. “We should make babies, Aloy.”
That caused Aloy to start choking and jerk away from him. The Watcher’s head snapped up to look at her. “What?!”
Tears were streaking Nil’s cheeks as Erend started howling with laughter. “Wait … kiss me … Aloy, I need you. We could … just … babies, Aloy. They’d be the most murderous babies. We could – could teach them. To kill people. Bad people. Or good – I'm not picky.”
Aloy’s skin crawled as he puckered his lips and tried to lean in for a kiss. She shoved him away and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath. “You’re disgusting, Nil. Get away – just go away.”
Erend stumbled over and pulled Nil up, which meant they both landed on the floor in a pile of alcohol and laughter. “Aloy … Aloy, think about it. You’re beautiful.”
“And I’m beautiful,” Nil pointed out as he pulled himself up enough to drape over the bench and bat his eyelashes at her. “So … You kill things … and I kill things … With our powers combined —”
“Murder babies!” Erend crowed, throwing his arms out for maximum dramatic effect.
Aloy pushed herself up and the Watcher scrambled out of the way, its lens going red as it trilled with alarm. “Augh! Why are you two so terrible?!”
The men cowered before her with their hands up to ward off blows, tears streaking down their cheeks as they cackled. “Mercy!” Nil begged. “Mercy! Have drunk on us, we’re mercy!”
Three minutes later they were scrambling across the field, dodging blasts from the Watcher as Aloy fired arrows just behind them to encourage their exit.
So crappy. I'm hilarious.